Date and Time: 5 June, Wednesday, 2:00 PM

Down a short set of stone steps, sitting on the end of Market Street close to the round-about, sits Molly Malones. Billed as an Irish Pub, which seems unnecessary in Scotland, it has a prime location being close to the bus station, on the Old Course end of town, and within short walking proximity to the university.

Brief history interlude here. Based on insider knowledge, this location was previously known as The Blue Stane, which is a disgustingly appropriate title for a pub. Although in this cause ‘stane’ is actually the Scottish word for stone, rather than a right mess. History lesson over, on to the beer and food!

The beer was a Peroni, the mass-produced easy-drinking Italian lager. Not particularly noteworthy for any tasting highlights, it’s a crisp and refreshing beer that should go well with a burger. Peroni is a safe beer, in the sense that you know very well what you’re going to get, it pairs with just about any occasion, and you can trust Italians to make good beer it’s beery-tasting.

Nuff said there, on to The Burger.

After a perhaps too-quick perusal of the menu, the ‘Texas BBQ Burger’ was selected for evaluation on this trip. Almost immediately after ordering it, doubt started to crowd the mind, as it seemed like the start to a bad joke. “A Canadian walks into an Irish pub in Scotland, and orders a Texas BBQ burger”.

Dressed with ‘melted cheese, crispy bacon, fried onions, and finished with tangy Texan BBQ sauce’ according to the menu, this seemed like an attractive choice. Toss in your token burger vegetables of lettuce and red onion. (Ed. Note: Who made the decision to make red onion as a go-to burger topping? They are total garbage. You can think otherwise, but you’re wrong.)

If the ordering process resulted in some doubts, the arrival of the burger really cemented those in the mind. The patty, which was covered in heaps of Texan BBQ sauce, sat wedged between two white buns that looked way to frail to contain the amount of action going on between them.

The bacon was far from crispy, and combined with the melted cheese, fried onions, and liberal slather of BBQ sauce, it made for a moist mess. Akin to hiking when you eye a good piece of what you think is dry bog, you put your foot down and sink up to your ankle, and are disappointed, this is the burger equivalent for your mouth. A few minutes into the consumption process, the bun was falling apart into a sodden mess, and there were no crunchy or firm bits left to eat.

Part of the success of a good burger is a combination of wet, damp, and dry ingredients to pull the whole package together, and wow, did this ever miss the mark.

As a consolation prize, the fries were competitive, as they had some stiffness to them, but were depressingly average freezer-pulled offerings. A poor facsimile of coleslaw completed the plate, which was a hard pass.

With the burger now a depressing mushy mess on the plate and sitting heavily in the stomach, attention was turned to the vibe. The feel in Molly Malones is friendly, if somewhat dominated by two distinct areas. The first is heavy on sports-watching, and the second feels, well, a bit old, and not in a historical sense of the word.

To the right as you walk in is a long bank of video-lottery machines, narrowing the already-thin space between the bar and the wall, leading to an area dominated with several large TV’s, a dartboard, and putting mat. This section is definitely heavy on the ‘sports’ feel, although it has a prime corner booth in the window that looks comfy, private-ish, and provides top-notch people watching real-estate.

The opposite end, to the left as you walk in, is a small square area that doesn’t have much in terms of environment. It’s quiet, but filled with the classic brown-top pub table and heavy uncomfortable wooden chairs that crowd fake authentic Irish bars the world over.

All told, the experience was very much okay, and didn’t hold any significant attraction or reason to return. This is not to say it is “bad” per say, just doesn’t tick a lot of boxes. There are better options abound in St. Andrews for beer, burgers, and pubs, all within a short walking distance, so no point in settling.

Good For: Watching unfamiliar sports on television (sideways dirt motorcycle racing anyone?). Reasonably priced drinks. Quiet corner seating. Gambling (degenerate or otherwise). A quiet mid-afternoon beer. Working on your darts or golf game. If other places are busy or closed.

Bad For: Burgers in general. Fine dining with your parents specifically. Views, as it’s in a basement. Busy evenings, as it’s location and accessibility seems to be attractive to a wide range of people.

Cost: 13.70 GBP